u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
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Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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