tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
