watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
