Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
