i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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