This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
