Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dear god my vagina.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
