I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
