you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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