I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
