I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
