I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
