If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
