so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
