I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
