we're blogging at a bar
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
