You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I think I won the penis lottery.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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