there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
