I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
