i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
