I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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