operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
