I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
