my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
