My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
