I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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