My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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