I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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