So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
