Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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