Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
