You just made me feel so damn special
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Randomize
