the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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