I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
