she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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