I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
