So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
A bitchslap is in order.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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