So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
