i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
