You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
