Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
