Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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