my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
