I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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