Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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