How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
