i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
