yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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