I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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