My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
