we have pet lesbian snakes
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
