Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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