how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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