So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
