I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
