I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
