Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
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She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
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I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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