I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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