No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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