In America we eat man semen.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
