drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
