In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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