I looked at my own cervix.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
