Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
